But I Want to Hold this Grudge!
Can I just be honest? Sometimes, it feels a little bit good to hold on to a grudge. In a strange way, it can make us feel powerful or even in control of the situation. Our anger can give us the feeling of having the upper hand. As we stew over who offended us, who didn’t act the way we would, who didn’t do what we wanted, it’s like that delicious chocolate chip cookie just out of the oven. It tastes so good! I will take just one bite of this cookie and it’s so satisfying. Oops wait! One bite, you say? No, one bite isn’t satisfying! I will eat that cookie, and another and another, until I feel sick! Oh no! I thought those cookies would be so satisfying. I thought that chewing and ruminating on that grudge would taste so good, but it only made me sick! I have learned this lesson the hard way, too many times. The apostle paul tells us in Ephesians chapter 2 that we have been created to do “good works”. This is such a great verse because it tells us our purpose! Did you ever want to know your purpose in life? Well, it is to do good works! The problem is, that when we hold on to a grudge, it’s like a wall that stops us from doing good for others. We build a wall around our hearts with all our grudges and before we know it, we can’t climb out. As I sat in my kitchen thinking about some of my grudges, I had a little talk with God. I told Him, “Ok God, I believe You. I don’t want to hold on to this grudge, but how do I let it go? These people make me very angry!” Very slowly, I had a feeling come over me. I felt like God asked me to sit with my grudge and to peel away the layer that went deeper than my anger. As I did this, I started to feel sad. This did not feel good! It felt much more powerful to feel angry, but I felt God saying, that until I let myself feel the real emotion, I would not be able to let it go and forgive those who hurt me. So, I sat with it. Then, I started to feel some peace. Then, I was able to say, “OK God, will you take this sadness? Will you take my disappointment? “ And guess what? I felt the crusty hardness of my heart begin to fall away, and it was good! Unfortunately, there is no easy way to get rid of a grudge other than to sit with it and to let the real emotion rise to the surface. Usually, the emotion will be hurt or sadness, but I promise, God is the master of taking our pain and giving us peace. I encourage you today to set some time aside to read Ephesians chapter 2. ( I like The Passion translation.) Sit with your grudges before God and let the real emotions begin to surface. Remember you have been created to do good works. Don’t let a grudge or anything else get in the way of doing good to others!
Much love,
Melissa
